The joys of navigating the difficult terrain of love in my 40s is like trying to find a needle in a haystack, which is on fire and I am blindfolded. Can you imagine it? The rollercoaster ride of awkward encounters, unsolicited advice, and sex starved suitors who seem to have forgotten that an emotion called love exists.
Jaane woh kaise log the jinke pyaar ko pyaar mila
Humne toh jab kaliyan maangi kaanton ka haar mila
These lines perfectly sums up my life. Mind you, it has not made me a damsel in distress who needs to be rescued, instead I am hoping that my shining armour is sharpening his skills as he to be more of a multitool that includes the art of knowing how to open a bottle of champagne, drive perfectly and has the ability to assemble IKEA furniture alone.
I attended a lot of social events in many cities and I still do, half-expecting someone to burst through the door holding a sign that read, "your partner has arrived!" Spoiler alert: it never happened.
My personal love gurus (read as friends and family ) who themselves have failed miserably in their marriages tell me often - "You're too picky!" because apparently, having standards is a crime punishable by eternal singlehood.
I will not settle for someone who doesn't appreciate my collection of pens, IKEA goodies or my guilty pleasures which are so guilt-ful, celebrates my wins as his own, remembers all things small, big and funny about me, who feels happy and energized seeing me, who considers talking to me as an essential just like he eats, brushes, bathes or works everyday.
I was single all my life sounds melodramatic, but that’s the truth. Couple of months went by chasing (and never catching) men (at different timelines) who I thought might be Mr. Right, but they proved me wrong.
Let’s go back to the 80’s. In my existence, there exists a peculiar void, a black hole, sucking in love, warmth, and acceptance. As I reflect upon my life, I cannot help but marvel at the masterpiece of neglect that has been woven into my being which today makes me crave for more love, reassurances, consistency and commitment.
My arrival, my birthdays, my baby photos and my naming ceremony were apparently such a non-event that it failed to register on my parents radar as important. Growing up, I became an expert at the art of invisibility. My education, ambitions and goals did not matter to my parents. The conversations revolved around my younger sibling - a boy child. He was named even before he was born and I was nameless for 4 years. As the years rolled by, my achievements became the unspoken enigma in our household. I silently collected my own achievements, storing them in the attic of my heart and continuing to do so.
In school I was the head girl for 2 years? Unnoticed. My assignments and projects that won first place? Unacknowledged. My parents possessed a unique superpower of selectively erasing me from the narrative of our family tree.
Writing all this, let me clarify that it's not that I lack compassion. I have a heart the size of a watermelon. I don’t need tissues or a comforting pat on the back, all I need is someone who would say “Main hoon na” and would take me out to have desserts as it is a globally proven theory that good food equals good mood.
Coming back to 2024, I believe that one day, my partner will recognize me by the trail of coffee cups I leave behind at Starbucks. I've convinced myself that there's someone out there who shares my affinity for puns, who would react/comment on the Instagram reels I would share, appreciates my quirky sense of humor, laugh with me on my horrible self depreciation jokes and won't judge me for having the worst nose, acne scars and my height or dump me for my mistakes and expect me to be perfect than real.
I love love and it is not just a trait—it's a way of life. It's about finding joy in the little things, crafting love stories out of ordinary moments, and believing in the extraordinary power of love, even if it comes in the form of sharing waffles, enjoying road trips, pun-filled conversations, sharing childhood memories, thoughts, fears and hopes for the future.
Honestly, I don’t need someone who sees only the good in me. I need someone who sees the bad in me, still wants me and will make me better. I choose to stay, express myself openly, willing to work things out, love unconditionally because it is really important to be loved, heard, seen and understood - after all there are a few things self love cannot achieve.
To all those who have their partners, please don't take them for granted, because finding someone as real as the moon and sun in this era is rare. Running away, ghosting, blocking and swiping to the next person is faster than Amazon delivery.
I manifest big hugs, quality time, happiness and clear communication. No more confusion, no toxicity and no lies. My life is tough, it has always been tough for me. I want soft love, love which would finally acknowledge my existence.
Pyar se kasne ko, baahon mein basne ko, dil mera lalchaye, koi toh aa jaye 💖
"This post is a part of Remembering Love Blog Hop hosted by Manali Desai and Sukaina Majeed".
25 comments:
Loneliness mat be killing but being hooked to a wrong partner is worse. To all the comments that you came across from known circle or relatives, strangers are not valid either. I applaud your courage to writing it all here, hope you are feeling better now!
Your straight- from - heart - narrative touches a cord. I wish you love and laughter.
I'm up for dessert anytime, dear. Let me know when you're in Bangalore. Loved the way you said don't take your partners for granted. We have to be grateful for what we have.
Oh God, I felt someone was writing the post for me...I'm also sailing in the same boat as you. There are 2 differences, though. 1. I'm married, yet haven't found the love, my soulmate I'm looking for 2. we are 3 sisters, so there was no bias towards the brother. But the search for true love is on; I manifest too, but the universe has become deaf. :)
This is a story of resilience and inspiration for many who choose to live a single life because of different reasons be it passion, goals, dreams or not finding the partner who would also appreciate their flaws. It is challenging to put up your life in words first thing and then sharing becomes more challenging.
Hope you are proud of who you are today.
Mei hoon na? I hope someone comes to you wth that sooner than later. Every relationship is a compromise. We are all so imperfect.
That was so Dil-se, to quote a filmy reference.
If it is a true account, I must say you are very brave to live with your convictions and in the hope of finding someone who loves you for the reasons you wish them to. Many of us have married for fear of loneliness or just out of social pressure, believing it is not a perfect world and there is no point in keeping searching for an illusion. I hope you find that soulmate.
What a beautiful and heartfelt post. The search for 'Mr Right' does take us through many wrong people and places, but nothing should deter us from our task. It's better being alone than in a relationship that makes you feel alone.
That was such a eye opener of a post, and reveals your resilience and your quirky sense of humour. You need to find someone who appreciates all the wonderful qualities that nestle within you. And yes, one should never take love or one's loved one for granted!
You will get your partner very soon Romila. No matter how hard the life is, Every thing has its own time. And you will have your too. It is not wrong for being selective. Yes, you have a every right to have a partner like the way you want. He may be on his way...
While reading your passionate piece, I deeply feel this entire flow of your deep progress into the love storms in mid-life. It is really related and heartfelt the way you shared your honest thoughts on past incidences you crave for an actual friend. It takes a lot to voice out the details between personal challenges and I respect your desire. The strength and toughness that you have hidden deep within you is something I admire from your words.
I applaud your courage for not just putting out this honest post but also for not bowing down to societal pressures of settling for someone who is not ideal for you. Sending you positivity and hopes for finding the right person soonest. Also, hugs for your strength and just being so strong and authentic.
This line made me chuckle, "Having standards is a crime punishable by eternal singlehood." 😂 and giving you a pat on the back for this one, "I don’t need someone who sees only the good in me. I need someone who sees the bad in me, still wants me and will make me better." 👏🏻
Thank you for reminding those with (right) partners to be grateful for what they have been blessed with
Oh my God!! This represents so many emotions simultaneously. I completely agree with the fact that desperation should not overrule desire. Sometimes getting married in desperation gives a pain of a lifetime and I believe it's always better to wait. It not wrong to wait for someone who celebrates and apprecites you. A beautiful writeup by a beautiful author.
More people need to celebrate singlehood :D Neele neele ambar par I haven't heard in so long! I should definitely hear it again.
Love nowadays is not easy to find. But it's not impossible for sure. I have mostly seen that when you stop looking for love, it comes and find you in unexpected ways. I hope your love finds you too soon.
Reading this while having an argument with my husband also feeling living a single life is much better. But the longing for a perfect partner is never ending. All have their good and bad moments. The perfect love is the one where both treat each other as valuable. The write is undoubtedly connecting with the soul of the reader.
Such a heartfelt plea like this, the universe is sure to manifest all that you wish and more. I felt this and I'm in awe of your courage to be strong in the face of societal pressures. 💕 Sending you a big hug 🤗
Wait for the right time , someday somewhere maybe you will meet him. Let love come to you in its own way.
When you search for someone wholeheartedly, the universe will definitely listen to you. It can't ignore you for a long.
All the best and wish you more warmth and happiness in the coming years.
Just love your write-up. And no you are not choosy and have good standards
That was straight from the heart, Romila. As a single woman, I have had my fair share of unsolicited advise to "settle". No can do. I wish and hope you find your soulmate soon and nothing less than one.
It's important to acknowledge what we want in the form of love. Your choices are valid and in this day and time you definitely need to assert them.
You have opened your heart in this post, which definitely touched my heart. As you said, finding love in this era is probably more difficult than climbing a mountain. I wish you find true love and may your heart find the joy & peace it deserves.
What a beautiful article! I loved reading it. Yes, you must not take for granted those who love you.
I can totally understand the feelings you had put up in this post when I am having the same in my heart. i couldn't express them so clearly whenever I decided to put thoem to paper. Thanks for giving me some idea to express.
I am couldn't agree with you more about the last two paragraphs.
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